Paralyzed in fear

Fear.  My biggest fear is FEAR! Ive been to a dark place these past few weeks and I refuse to go back. No longer am I holding onto anything that I am afraid of. I will look fear into its deep, dark,  paralyzing eyes and tell it that MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN YOU! I’m done. I’m DONE! I cant feel like this any longer.

I woke up today from enduring an agonizing yesterday of hurt, rejection and depression. Like it was out of a movie, it was raining on a dark day for me. I sat to myself thinking, praying, considering, re-evaluating, deciding, re-deciding, and failing. My list of dreams, achievements I want for myself and life-time goals were floating around in my head. With everything great that came, fear over-lapped it. Telling me, YOU ARENT GOOD ENOUGH and HA! You think you can be like THAT person, FORGET IT! They out work you and out love you by 1000 times!! I fought and fought and fought with this fear inside of my head. Trying multiple times I asked it to stop. Too politely obviously. It still came back. It never left me alone for one moment of my day. Or in the past several weeks, but yesterday was the bottom. And the end.

This morning I sat behind my desk writing out my list of fears. Dear Internet, one of my fears is allowing people to see into me too clearly. To find something out about me that makes me not as cheerful and bubbly as I come across. I’m afraid of sharing MY personal feelings. But today that ends. I will be laying out my list of fears for everyone to read and to see. To see into me more clearly and get to know me so beyond my confident front.

Here goes nothing….

I’m afraid of…..

• Looking dumb
• Wasting my time, and others time
• What people say about me. Is it positive or negative?
• Discouraging comments. I don’t try a lot of new things because, OH MY what if this person, who I barely know, doesn’t like it? That’s changing.
• Disapproval from the ones I admire and look up to
• Working hard and not making it to my standards of success
• Not having money to allow me to make it to my standards of success
• Debt. I hate owing anything to anyone. I’m in a lot of it. Not just money, but to people who have extended their greatness and love to me.
• Taking bad pictures. That’s right. There is a little voice constantly inside my head telling me “that wasn’t good enough, try again”
• Not performing my best. Some days I just don’t feel like being upbeat. I’m afraid my clients will be able to tell.
• Losing my creativity. I focus too much on a clients standard check list. Aren’t I hired for my creativity???
• Making the wrong decision. Letting go of my fear, taking a risk, and it not working out.
• Losing everything. Everything we’ve worked hard at building up. One day it could all be for nothing.
• Not being the “salesman” business standards ask of you. I couldn’t sell fire to a freezing Eskimo if I had to.
• Letting go some of my work flow to better myself in other areas. I’m a micro-manager and that has to STOP!
• Sticking behind my prices. So many people try to talk you down on cost, cut your confidence and point out why they wont pay that kind of money. I fall into a place of believing them. That stops NOW.
• Feeling like I’m worth something. I’m different. I know that. I can offer a personality and service that no one else can. But Im afraid to express that to its fullness.
• Being alone. Literally, being alone. I cant stand it.
• Un-happy clients. I work beyond my capabilities to make someone happy. People tugging at me all directions. One person gets left un-happy and it haunts me.
• Unanswered emails. I often get told “thanks for the quick reply!” because my email app on my i-Phone rules me. I hear it ding and like a trained animail, I jump to answer. It has me working all hours of the night. Scheduled time for answering emails starts NOW. All client emails will and should be answered in a 24 hour time frame.
• Not being available 24/7 for someone who needs me. I love being there for others. Taking time for myself is hard when someone else is in need of an ear or a hand.
• Giving up comfort for a risk.
• Giving up a good thing for a possibility at a GREAT thing.
• Losing love and fun.
• Being worn out, grumpy and unhappy
• To be confident in myself. Proud of myself.
• Of sharing my deepest desires and wants.
• Of opening my mind, thoughts and crazy dreams to anyone but my husband (kind of can check this one off due to this blog post)
• Investing. Or so they call it. So much money wasted on workshops that were a waste of time. (See above fear of wasting time as well)
• Flying. I HATE FLYING. I die a little inside every time I fly.
• Regretting my inability to due greatness and over-come fears when I’m older. I don’t want to be 70 and thinking “What if I would have just LET GO!!!”

It took me only 25 minutes to think of this many fears I have circling my mind in my everyday life. I’m sick of the brick wall standing in my way to be something great. I wrote down all of these fears in my journal and will have a burning ceremony this evening to letting them all go. NO LONGER will I hold back when I have something crazy I want to do. I will love deeper, fight stronger and kick fear right where it counts. I will travel, discover, accomplish and be crazy. I will lay in tall grass with my love by my side counting stars. I will try new business ideas and if they fail. SO WHAT? Other people think I’m crazy? SO STINKIN’ WHAT? I will make decisions that might be wrong. But, you never know until you try.

LET GO of whatever is holding you back from being something great. Dont let someone tell you that you CANT do something. Life is too short to be cut down and scared of what others think. Most importantly. Life is too short not to LOVE unconditionally and to not offer an unending forgiveness. I challenge you to make a list of your own fears. Share them. Create a plan to destroy them and BURN THEM! Go out and do something great for someone today.

LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!!